today I fight against hypocracy

as I was leaving Queens Supreme, I passed this girl/young woman on the Sutphin Ave. station. She was curled up in a ball on the floor in plain sight. She wasn't homeless. Her clothes were messed up and she had a back pack and looked relatively clean. She also had wrist bands that looked like the one I had when I was in the ER. I passed by just looking and got into my train. I wasn't the only one who did that. I felt terrible, so terrible that I got off on the next stop and doubled back. It took me about 20 minutes to do that (damn F train was running weird today). She was still there. I had no idea what to do really. What if she was some crack head and would cut me up if I tried to touch her. Or what if she was dead then I would have to deal with the cops and I would end up not getting to do the rest of my job for that day. I resolved that I would have to go and try to wake her, and if she didn't inform the MTA guy in the booth on the top level to call an ambulance. When I got there she was still there, and 2 guys were just watching. I hesitated alot before I approached. I taped her and said "hey, wake up...are you all right?" She did wake, and mumbled something. As she stired lose change feel around her. One of the guys was saying "go up stairs girl before someone takes advantage of you here." But neither of us did anything, just got into our train when the doors opened. I was frightened and didn't know what to do, and just wanted to get back on schedule and do my job. I originally felt absolutely terrible for my actions, for just walking by and doing nothing, like a terrible human that opitimises western culture of appathy and egotism. Even though I thought she was some drug adict, I still detoured to come back and do something. I should have stayed and tried to give some real help, but I didn't. I guess its all about small steps. Maybe next time I will be braver.

Also, while we all talked about my friends' problems, I put it out there instead of keeping it behind their backs. I did that in the AM hours. My battle started early. It picked up again tonight as I talked to them a couple of minutes ago. I/we should have had an intervention for Dave before I wrote that, it was poor judgment on my part. I did get to see a little deaper into the problems that my friends are facing, but not enough to sway my views of their problems. They were resistant to what I had to say, but hopefully they will think about it later on, maybe with time will come some clarity. They don't want to observe rules reguarding friendships with benifits, they will sufer the heart ache that will follow as a consequence. I will be there to listen and other things when they get there, I would rather they just not get there. I like them both alot, but my passion seems wasted on them, and that hurts too. But at least I talk to them about it instead of whining to non-essential parties. People may not like my approach to matters of the heart, but it is the most honest.

I like outside conference from trusted people. I have had many inciteful observations brought to my attention over time. Most people don't like it, but that doesn't mean its not helpful when its put correctly and from trusted people. When we go through adolecents we seem to think that everyone is judging us and that its one of the most important things in our lives, what others think of us. Simultaniously we think no one can understand our situation, that we are so different and that what we do doesn't affect anyone else as if we are an island on to ourselves, a univers apart from the worlds of the people around us. Well most opinions of you realy don't mater, so don't worry about what others will think. But there are life lessons that other people can relate to you to help you. And no one (except for a hermit) is an island onto themselves; things that affect you, do affect us too. Its amazing to the similarities my 2 friends bare on a Jr. HS couple; trying to be all secrative about their actions with out realizing how blatently obvious their actions really are to the adults, and then acting like people knowing these obvious things will have any impact on their lives. I think one of the reasons I posted my thoughts before talking about them in detail with Dave was because I was so insulted by, essentially, being told 'the big yellow one, is not the sun.' To be told that what IS is NOT, is very insulting, when it so clearly IS what it IS. So as soon as I 'officialy' knew, I did that. As I was talking to them tonight, I really seemed like their parent (hey dad! Don't tell me how to have friends with benefits, I'll have sex with my friends how I want when I want and then do whateva' I want), wow, my kids might have adjustment issues...I just have too much passion for them. If one of them was an out sider, it would be easier on me. The worst is really how she just wants to keep it all underwraps and not have anyone know whatsoever and just be that island on to herself. I got to move on, their future will catch up to me soon enough, I should lay back and let it come to me, like the way I do with my own future.

What realy pisses me off is when I am being very honest, and others aren't and they sugar coat and try to be nice instead of truthful, I come off as a liar. I don't get off on this, I wouldn't spend time BSing up some crap, thats way too much work for a lazy guy like me. People should just be more honest. I know, its so against the grain, but try it.

on another matter entirely---
Thanks to Erika, I knew that my acupuncture was actually Thursday. After work I will have to go to that doctor and pick up the other pain killers. I got dizzy when I was talking to Anat and Dave, I don't know if it was the meds or just them that made blood rush to my head, or is it rush away from my head to make it dizzy?

I keep meaning to make this blog more about me, more meaningful and deep, but I keep writing about other people or simple happenings. Am I really that boring and uneventful? I don't think so...I really hope not...I don't think other people feel that way. I think that other people are just that important to me and my life that I talk about them so much. And it realy is cathoritic to get my thoughts into the open. I hate secrecy. Everyone is probably better off not telling me any secrets. I think they only real secret I have ever kept was that one Stephen shared with me during those times that never happened.

WHO THE HELL READS MY BLOG ANYWAY?! PEOPLE SEEM TO GET UPSET WHEN I WIRTE ABOUT THEM HERE, BUT WHO SEES THIS EXCEPT MY FRIENDS WHO ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THE THINGS I WRITE! I DEMAND THAT PEOPLE WHO DON'T ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS LEAVE COMMENTS, SO I KNOW THERE ARE OUTSIDERS WHO EVEN READ THIS TRIVIAL CRAP.

This weekend had its ups and downs

It started out off...it was raining, I got stuck in the city after 5, I took long with my bootlegger, there was lots of trafic leaving the city. But they paid for all the groceries, and I got them set up real easy. The real problem happened the next morning. As I was walking back from the shed, I suddenly felt a stabbing pain in my back. I was screaming so bad, Dave ran out with a flashlight ready to fight (its one of those magnalight flashlights that the police use). So the rest of the day deap breaths would hurt, any agravating thought would hurt, laughing would hurt, bending and moving would hurt. The next morning I found out I broke my tooth in my sleep from the pain.

Now on the plus side, I got Erika into Super Monkeyball Delux and Haunting Ground while we were there. We also watched Dodgeball, which was hilarious, and not agravating like all the other Ben Stiller movies. Of course the biggest and bestest plus of all!!! Anat and Brooklyn Dave had sex. I sacrificed my bed to their debacherie. It was my pleasure. In fact, I was probably the most thrilled of all the people there that they got it on.

The big minus though is that for some reason I must be a complet retard, to not know my 2 single friends are hooking up in my room. That when I come home and I smell pussy, and they are locked away in my room, that nothing is going on. That when they end up sleeping together, nothing is amiss? And that Dave needed to make a condom run in the middle of the night, or the squeaking of the bed that followed (a short a mount of sqeaking if you asked me). COME ON! That just down right pisses me off. And if Erika walked in on them in a state of undress in bed, she wouldn't tell me? And for some reason if she knew it was OK, and as if she wouldn't tell me! Insulting and absurd. I would like to hear the logic behind it that made sense to her. Of all the people to not know, ME!? I've been wanting to hook them up for about 3 years! I introduced them! I brought them to my home! I provided the bed! Ouch baby, VERY ouch!

But I am not very happy for them anymore. For a couple of reasons. She is having negative effects on him; she keeps him up really late, and he comes in to work in a poorly presentable state. He is smoking much more now. And they are both getting carried away. We need to have an intervention. They are both my friends, and I care for the both of them, so I can't let them delude each other. They will not have a successful relationship, all they will have is lots of heartache, and I don't want to see that.


Why I don't think it will work out:
She will leave back to Florida in a month, to continue her graduate studies. Dave will be draged out every weekend by his friends and will end up dealing with lots of women here. They will have less and less to talk about as their lifestyles change to addapt to live in their respective environments. He will only have a harder time to move on because they will stay in contact. He needs to stop attaching himself to women who are essentially unavailable.

They are both adults. They have had their share of relationships. They don't need the drama. If they can't seperate their sexual relations from intimate relations, then they will have a very bad situation on their hearts. They are developing intimate bonds with each other which will have to be broken! If you can't have your sex with out becoming attached, then stay clear of it. Ronit knows how to have friends with benefits, take a lesson or 2 from her. Yes, Anat is a very cool woman, and she is hot, and some may dispute 'nice' but whatever, I don't want to see any of my friends have their heart broken. So either be friends and remain platonic, or get into a relatioinship that will end up with heartache, and those are your only 2 options, because from what I have observed they are not capable of a 'friends with benefits' relations, and I really wish that was not the case. If they could just be emotionally detached just enough to be platonic friends and just F around when they get a chance and then return to the platonic, then that would be terrific! I would be so happy. OR if Dave was in FL or Anat in NY so that they could carry on a relationship, I would be so pleased, I really would.

But so far the reality of the situation is that she has increased his smoking, and he is coming to work disheveled from the time they spend together in the AM hours (and I know how hard it is to say to a beautiful woman that she has to go), and they only seem to be getting more and more intimate and that will only lead to a heart wrenching missery I don't want to see. But maybe I am just getting too emotionally involved. This isn't my relationship. But they are my friends, and their relationship is affecting my friend's company. I'll just get off this topic for now, I've gone on and on about it, I have other things to talk about.

Sunday I tanned on my lawn from when I woke up (9:40am) to about when Dave and Anat woke up (2:30ish). Erika tanned topless, I was real proud of her. We went to the lake, and the water level went up. The water was warm, the air was hot, and the wind was light, so it was great coming in and out of the water, absolute perfect day for the beach, and when I was swiming my body felt great! I felt no pain and so relaxed. Stopped by the reservior, and they the water level down a little. It would be nice if by August they let it down alot more. It was fun driving there, everyone seemed to enjoy the offroading. Lunch was good too, Anat made lazania; and it was the first time in many years that I ate that with out heartburn, little did I know that I would get diahrea from it.

Even though I messed up my back, the weekend was good! Saw a funny movie, played some fun video games, friends had sex, Erika tanned topless, it was great beach weather. I drove home making good time, and listening to some great disco tunes. The relaxation was nice. I guess I can show them the bar and river and Whitelake next time.

Monday was very busy. In the morning I went to my dentist, and it turned out the machine to heat the adhesive was sent out for repairs. And the dentist doesn't look like she has changed in 15 years. She had a hot dental assistant. Well my tooth wasn't fixed. After court I got a hair cut, #2 crue cut, yes my mom was upset, but Erika can't keep herself off me, she loves it that much. My doctor gave me a check up, and I seem to like a doctor for a change, she seems to actually care. She refered me to a Nuerologist, and he did some acupuncture and perscribed me some pain killers. Then I wasted away 2.5 hours in the ER at Parkway to get chest x-rays that showed nothing was wrong there.

Tuesday, after work, was a failed attempt at having sex. But then we played some Super Monkeyball Delux and Haunting Ground. Then I spent the rest of the night helping my City Spec friends with the moving of stuff (they were recarpeting).

And now its almost 6am! So I will wrap this up. I have a busy day of going to various courts, maybe make a booty call, and some more acupuncture (not simultaniously).

Dave, Anat, I love you guys, don't be mad at me, don't take it as me being mean or personal or biased toward one or the other.