today I fight against hypocracy
as I was leaving Queens Supreme, I passed this girl/young woman on the Sutphin Ave. station. She was curled up in a ball on the floor in plain sight. She wasn't homeless. Her clothes were messed up and she had a back pack and looked relatively clean. She also had wrist bands that looked like the one I had when I was in the ER. I passed by just looking and got into my train. I wasn't the only one who did that. I felt terrible, so terrible that I got off on the next stop and doubled back. It took me about 20 minutes to do that (damn F train was running weird today). She was still there. I had no idea what to do really. What if she was some crack head and would cut me up if I tried to touch her. Or what if she was dead then I would have to deal with the cops and I would end up not getting to do the rest of my job for that day. I resolved that I would have to go and try to wake her, and if she didn't inform the MTA guy in the booth on the top level to call an ambulance. When I got there she was still there, and 2 guys were just watching. I hesitated alot before I approached. I taped her and said "hey, wake up...are you all right?" She did wake, and mumbled something. As she stired lose change feel around her. One of the guys was saying "go up stairs girl before someone takes advantage of you here." But neither of us did anything, just got into our train when the doors opened. I was frightened and didn't know what to do, and just wanted to get back on schedule and do my job. I originally felt absolutely terrible for my actions, for just walking by and doing nothing, like a terrible human that opitimises western culture of appathy and egotism. Even though I thought she was some drug adict, I still detoured to come back and do something. I should have stayed and tried to give some real help, but I didn't. I guess its all about small steps. Maybe next time I will be braver.
Also, while we all talked about my friends' problems, I put it out there instead of keeping it behind their backs. I did that in the AM hours. My battle started early. It picked up again tonight as I talked to them a couple of minutes ago. I/we should have had an intervention for Dave before I wrote that, it was poor judgment on my part. I did get to see a little deaper into the problems that my friends are facing, but not enough to sway my views of their problems. They were resistant to what I had to say, but hopefully they will think about it later on, maybe with time will come some clarity. They don't want to observe rules reguarding friendships with benifits, they will sufer the heart ache that will follow as a consequence. I will be there to listen and other things when they get there, I would rather they just not get there. I like them both alot, but my passion seems wasted on them, and that hurts too. But at least I talk to them about it instead of whining to non-essential parties. People may not like my approach to matters of the heart, but it is the most honest.
I like outside conference from trusted people. I have had many inciteful observations brought to my attention over time. Most people don't like it, but that doesn't mean its not helpful when its put correctly and from trusted people. When we go through adolecents we seem to think that everyone is judging us and that its one of the most important things in our lives, what others think of us. Simultaniously we think no one can understand our situation, that we are so different and that what we do doesn't affect anyone else as if we are an island on to ourselves, a univers apart from the worlds of the people around us. Well most opinions of you realy don't mater, so don't worry about what others will think. But there are life lessons that other people can relate to you to help you. And no one (except for a hermit) is an island onto themselves; things that affect you, do affect us too. Its amazing to the similarities my 2 friends bare on a Jr. HS couple; trying to be all secrative about their actions with out realizing how blatently obvious their actions really are to the adults, and then acting like people knowing these obvious things will have any impact on their lives. I think one of the reasons I posted my thoughts before talking about them in detail with Dave was because I was so insulted by, essentially, being told 'the big yellow one, is not the sun.' To be told that what IS is NOT, is very insulting, when it so clearly IS what it IS. So as soon as I 'officialy' knew, I did that. As I was talking to them tonight, I really seemed like their parent (hey dad! Don't tell me how to have friends with benefits, I'll have sex with my friends how I want when I want and then do whateva' I want), wow, my kids might have adjustment issues...I just have too much passion for them. If one of them was an out sider, it would be easier on me. The worst is really how she just wants to keep it all underwraps and not have anyone know whatsoever and just be that island on to herself. I got to move on, their future will catch up to me soon enough, I should lay back and let it come to me, like the way I do with my own future.
What realy pisses me off is when I am being very honest, and others aren't and they sugar coat and try to be nice instead of truthful, I come off as a liar. I don't get off on this, I wouldn't spend time BSing up some crap, thats way too much work for a lazy guy like me. People should just be more honest. I know, its so against the grain, but try it.
on another matter entirely---
Thanks to Erika, I knew that my acupuncture was actually Thursday. After work I will have to go to that doctor and pick up the other pain killers. I got dizzy when I was talking to Anat and Dave, I don't know if it was the meds or just them that made blood rush to my head, or is it rush away from my head to make it dizzy?
I keep meaning to make this blog more about me, more meaningful and deep, but I keep writing about other people or simple happenings. Am I really that boring and uneventful? I don't think so...I really hope not...I don't think other people feel that way. I think that other people are just that important to me and my life that I talk about them so much. And it realy is cathoritic to get my thoughts into the open. I hate secrecy. Everyone is probably better off not telling me any secrets. I think they only real secret I have ever kept was that one Stephen shared with me during those times that never happened.
WHO THE HELL READS MY BLOG ANYWAY?! PEOPLE SEEM TO GET UPSET WHEN I WIRTE ABOUT THEM HERE, BUT WHO SEES THIS EXCEPT MY FRIENDS WHO ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THE THINGS I WRITE! I DEMAND THAT PEOPLE WHO DON'T ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS LEAVE COMMENTS, SO I KNOW THERE ARE OUTSIDERS WHO EVEN READ THIS TRIVIAL CRAP.
Also, while we all talked about my friends' problems, I put it out there instead of keeping it behind their backs. I did that in the AM hours. My battle started early. It picked up again tonight as I talked to them a couple of minutes ago. I/we should have had an intervention for Dave before I wrote that, it was poor judgment on my part. I did get to see a little deaper into the problems that my friends are facing, but not enough to sway my views of their problems. They were resistant to what I had to say, but hopefully they will think about it later on, maybe with time will come some clarity. They don't want to observe rules reguarding friendships with benifits, they will sufer the heart ache that will follow as a consequence. I will be there to listen and other things when they get there, I would rather they just not get there. I like them both alot, but my passion seems wasted on them, and that hurts too. But at least I talk to them about it instead of whining to non-essential parties. People may not like my approach to matters of the heart, but it is the most honest.
I like outside conference from trusted people. I have had many inciteful observations brought to my attention over time. Most people don't like it, but that doesn't mean its not helpful when its put correctly and from trusted people. When we go through adolecents we seem to think that everyone is judging us and that its one of the most important things in our lives, what others think of us. Simultaniously we think no one can understand our situation, that we are so different and that what we do doesn't affect anyone else as if we are an island on to ourselves, a univers apart from the worlds of the people around us. Well most opinions of you realy don't mater, so don't worry about what others will think. But there are life lessons that other people can relate to you to help you. And no one (except for a hermit) is an island onto themselves; things that affect you, do affect us too. Its amazing to the similarities my 2 friends bare on a Jr. HS couple; trying to be all secrative about their actions with out realizing how blatently obvious their actions really are to the adults, and then acting like people knowing these obvious things will have any impact on their lives. I think one of the reasons I posted my thoughts before talking about them in detail with Dave was because I was so insulted by, essentially, being told 'the big yellow one, is not the sun.' To be told that what IS is NOT, is very insulting, when it so clearly IS what it IS. So as soon as I 'officialy' knew, I did that. As I was talking to them tonight, I really seemed like their parent (hey dad! Don't tell me how to have friends with benefits, I'll have sex with my friends how I want when I want and then do whateva' I want), wow, my kids might have adjustment issues...I just have too much passion for them. If one of them was an out sider, it would be easier on me. The worst is really how she just wants to keep it all underwraps and not have anyone know whatsoever and just be that island on to herself. I got to move on, their future will catch up to me soon enough, I should lay back and let it come to me, like the way I do with my own future.
What realy pisses me off is when I am being very honest, and others aren't and they sugar coat and try to be nice instead of truthful, I come off as a liar. I don't get off on this, I wouldn't spend time BSing up some crap, thats way too much work for a lazy guy like me. People should just be more honest. I know, its so against the grain, but try it.
on another matter entirely---
Thanks to Erika, I knew that my acupuncture was actually Thursday. After work I will have to go to that doctor and pick up the other pain killers. I got dizzy when I was talking to Anat and Dave, I don't know if it was the meds or just them that made blood rush to my head, or is it rush away from my head to make it dizzy?
I keep meaning to make this blog more about me, more meaningful and deep, but I keep writing about other people or simple happenings. Am I really that boring and uneventful? I don't think so...I really hope not...I don't think other people feel that way. I think that other people are just that important to me and my life that I talk about them so much. And it realy is cathoritic to get my thoughts into the open. I hate secrecy. Everyone is probably better off not telling me any secrets. I think they only real secret I have ever kept was that one Stephen shared with me during those times that never happened.
WHO THE HELL READS MY BLOG ANYWAY?! PEOPLE SEEM TO GET UPSET WHEN I WIRTE ABOUT THEM HERE, BUT WHO SEES THIS EXCEPT MY FRIENDS WHO ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THE THINGS I WRITE! I DEMAND THAT PEOPLE WHO DON'T ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THESE THINGS LEAVE COMMENTS, SO I KNOW THERE ARE OUTSIDERS WHO EVEN READ THIS TRIVIAL CRAP.
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