Midnight Snapper

Stephen and I spent part of our night taking pictures of the city from Queens. It might not have been legal for various reasons
1. We might have been in the park after it 'closes' although I didn't see a closing time posted.
2. I believe they passed laws against people taking pictures of bridges and tunnels.
3. The pier by the restaurant might have been private property.

But who the hell cares, it was mad fun. Some of the pictures are awesome. Stephen bought a tripod just for this activity. Tonight we might be doing this again. Gonna hit the Northern coast of Queens, or Brooklyn Heights, we'll see tonight. I will post our pictures here by the end of the week.

My mom is almost done with her Master's degree. I am still awaiting my response from CUNY.

I am feeling kinda down. Don't even have the will to jerk off. Thats some crazy talk, I know, but its true. I remember back in the day, when I was in High School, I would be jerking off at least 10 times a day, only taking a break because my hand would go stiff or my skin would be raw. And now, don't even want to bother. Its like I force myself sometimes, like when I am in the shower. I really need to get in a better state of being.

I would love to propose to Erika and ASAP, but I am just in such terrible shape right now. My law school chances look pretty slim, and every day I am less and less sure that is what I want to do with my life. When you get engaged, you get asked so many questions! I am not prepared to answer them, I will only make Erika look bad. If only I would win the lottery, then it would all be so simple, right? Isn't that part of the 'American Dream?' I feel pretty depressed. Erika seems upset about some stuff in her personal life too. Compound downess, , what to do? If some interesting job would land on my lap, that would be good too.

And where the hell do these western women come from? Where is $6K for a single piece of jewlery 'cheap'?!?!?!?!!??! You could get a cheap new car for just 3 times that, and a descent one for four times that. And the ring is purely symbolic. I will never understand this. Its not like the ring can be an embodyment of the love. That is a rediculous notion in and of itself. Love can only be embodied in the people, not in their material posessions. And if it were an embodyment of love, why doesn't the man receive one? Is he the only one in love? And should love be quantified in relation of the market value of an accessory? How comes up with this crap!? There are solid reasons for all these practices, but they are null and void now! The reasons are moot in modern culture, and they symbolize nothing by materialism today.

But I do want to get her a ring, because it does mean something to her. And its going to be very difficult. To even save up $6K, which aparently is not alot in this dimension, will be very difficult for me. I just have to not buy anything that I want, and not give anything to my family like what they asked me to contribute, and not go out. And this will take about 20 weeks. And lets say I do this, and I buy the ring, and I propose, what will this change? Except for her new piece of jewlery that people will ask her about, what will change?

A thought just hit me. Maybe she feels rushed because she wants to tell her grandmother that she is engaged while her grandmother is still alive. Its not a morbid thought, it is an honest thought that might be true, so don't be all 'how can you say that, thats so insensitive' but it might be true, and it does make a difference.

This is so depressing.